


Objectively

by words_reign_here



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, Derek is a Good Alpha, Explicit Sexual Content, I don't care no one died, M/M, Pretend Boyfriends, Recreational Drug Use, Rimming, So is Scott, Theo is a good friend, girl scout cookies, lydia gets drunk, not too much though, there's a smidge of plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-18 23:52:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12398811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/words_reign_here/pseuds/words_reign_here
Summary: So there's Sterek fluff and pretend boyfriends and Derek geting high and being a good alpha and Girl Scout cookies and threatening Stiles' ex and the exes two friends and drunk Lydia and BFF cousins Malia and Derek and good guy Theo and good friend Scott and there's sex and food and weed. Like. There isn't much to it.





	Objectively

**Author's Note:**

  * For [everhaunting](https://archiveofourown.org/users/everhaunting/gifts).



> I have been thinking about Derek getting high for a long time. And my dear friend was having a hell of a day and I thought that this might cheer her up.   
> Any mistakes are mine, not beta'd, I love you all, have fun with the smut, leave comments and kudos and I will return to you as quickly as I can.

Derek couldn't fault Stiles' taste. He had, objectively, _good_ taste.

Take Lydia Martin for example. The girl was brilliant, beautiful, and brutal. She was a fighter but she was one that would take you apart with words alone or just punch you in the throat.

There was something admirable about that.

And Danny. Danny was just... a really nice guy. And on top of that, he was built like few humans were and was also terribly nice to look at.

So, yeah. Derek knew. Stiles had good taste. When Stiles went to college, Scott would call, scoffing over Skype, about the _hottest_ girl or guy that Scott had ever seen getting with Stiles.

Stiles, it seemed, had finally come in to his own.

And Derek couldn't fault the other people for seeing what Derek had seen all along.

Objectively, Stiles was kind of beautiful.

The mouth, the hair, the hapless run ins with the supernatural, the quick wit, the grin, that stupid fucking _wink_...

Yeah, objectively Derek got it.

And it's not like Derek wasn't getting some on his own. He was. He knew he was good looking but Derek was also kind of... lazy.

Not lazy in the manner that he didn't go for his fifteen mile runs or clean up after himself or shower after his workouts or let his laundry pile up or didn't read books anymore.

No, Derek had just become romantically lazy. He didn't want to work for relationships that inevitably ended with blood and torn limbs and slashed throats.

So instead, Derek worked on his one night stand game. He did that because he still got off but he didn't have to create the romantic atmosphere, he didn't have to work to make someone else happy, he didn't have to have anyone questioning why he was getting into his pajamas at three in the afternoon.

Derek, objectively, had become a romantic slob.

Objectively, Stiles understood. He got it. There's only so many times you could get beaten into the ground, kicked in the teeth, stabbed, shot, and buried (metaphorically and literally) before the dude gave up.

Stiles was sad, of course. He wanted his good friend to find someone to spend the rest of his life with, to hang out with, to grow old with, maybe to have a dozen kids with because Hale genes simply should not go to waste. He wanted his friend to have someone to have inside jokes with. And god knows that there had to be someone, supernatural or human that was worthy of those eyes and that body and that _ass..._

But if this was Derek happy, then Stiles wasn't going to get in the way. Derek still came out with them. Derek still picked up on whoever caught his eye. Hell, Stiles learned a few things from Derek's game. Derek still joined them at the bars and the clubs and picked up the tab because _that's what alphas do, Stiles, give me the goddamn check._

It was a night like that, one that started out a pizza place, followed by a bar, followed by a club, that Stiles understood. He got it.

The guy's name was Steve. It was a shame, really. Scott had accused Stiles of dating Steve because he kind of looked like Chris Evans and Steve let Stiles call him Cap in bed. Stiles didn't deny it. Scotty knew him too well. But that was pretty much where the attraction ended. Steve was a dick to their waitress on their second date and didn't know how to dance and refused to even try. There was two more dates after that and Stiles had called it. The sex didn't even make it worth it.

Derek was leaning against a table with Malia to his left and Scott to his right and they all looked too cool for school. Especially with Stiles out on the dance floor with Lydia who was too drunk to deny him a dance at that point and was basically flailing all over the place. But Lydia was laughing and frankly, that was the point. Derek signaled the waitress for another round for everyone and Stiles sighed when Derek tipped her. The point of the club was to put the money in the waitress's bra and panty set but Derek set the twenty down under the glasses that he helped the young girl pile on her tray. The girl looks relieved and grateful.

"Dip me!" Lydia cried out over the music and Stiles obliged because he lived to serve the strawberry goddess of his life. She laughed when he dipped her with a flourish and he pulled her upright and the song changed. They returned to the table and Derek subtly nudged a bottle of water in Lydia's direction. He doesn't want to spend the _all_ of tomorrow taking the pain from her hangover away. He did clear out his morning though.

"Dude." Theo said, slipping on something on the floor and grasping Derek's bicep for balance. He looked wild eyed.

"What?" Derek asked and blinked at the place where Theo was clutching his arm. No one could have predicted that the guy was so into tactile touching.

"No, dude." Theo hissed and looked around. He ducked.

"Are there hunters?" Scott asked and looked around.

"No, it's _Steve_." Theo hissed and Scott, Stiles, and Theo all dropped down, below even Lydia's height so that they were all facing each other under the table. Derek was left blinking at Malia as Lydia whooped in delight. He felt Stiles cling to his thigh for balance and Theo hook a hand into his back pocket.

"Who's Steve?" Derek asked Malia.

"One of the eight hundred people that Stiles dated last semester. Except Steve was one, a douchebag that we all hated and two, kind of super-stalked Stiles until Theo and Scott threatened to tell Stiles' new boyfriend." Malia said. Her eyes sparkled with delight. "His gorgeous new boyfriend. His rich new boyfriend. His boyfriend that could beat Steve into hamburger meat and who owned enough land that they could bury Steve's body on and no one would ever, ever find him."

Lydia whooped again and laughed. She started to tip over until Malia caught her and straightened her out.

"I didn't know Stiles had a sugar daddy." Derek said and looked around. "Why didn't anyone tell me Stiles had a sugar daddy?"

" _You_ , you moron!" Scott hissed from underneath the table. "We said that his boyfriend was _you_. And that if Steve so much as thought about coming near Stiles again, you would come down and cut him up into little pieces and feed him to the _wolves!_ "

Lydia laughed. "Wolves!" She hooted and pointed at Malia.

Malia shook her head. "Coyote."

"You can still eat him though, right? That's the important part." Lydia said.

Malia nodded. "Yeah, of course."

"We just never thought that you and Steve would be in the same place at the same time." Theo interrupted. "The dude was crazy! He broke into our apartment and stole all of Stiles' boxers! And mine! Why mine!"

"He took all of my Pop-Tarts! Not Stiles, not Theo's, mine!" Scott said. "He knew that smores Pop-Tarts were mine and that Stiles buys the strawberry kind and he _took mine_."

"He irons his jeans, Derek." Stiles hissed. "He takes them out of the dryer and _irons them_. Who does that?"

"An evil psychopath, that's who." Scott answered.

"Is there a way out?" Stiles asked Theo. "Like a backdoor? A window in the bathroom? Can I sneak by the entrance?"

"I don't think so. He's got Randy with him." Theo replied.

"Ok, that's enough." Derek said and reached down to haul both Theo and Stiles up by the arm, bringing Scott with them since Scott had been clinging to Theo for balance. "Why are we running from two frat bros when this is us? How many monsters have we killed this year?" Derek asked and looked around at the others.

"This year?" Lydia said and pouted. Derek could always count on her, drunk or not. "Two hundred and thirty two."

"And it's only March." Malia added. "We're on track for beating last year's record."

Malia and Derek high fived.

"So no. We're not running." Derek said and straightened up. "If I'm Stiles' sugar daddy, we are all going to act like it." His eyes glowed red and Theo was the only one with sense enough to duck his head. "Stiles, get your ass over here. Scott, Theo, relax. Malia, we aren't eating anyone yet. Chances are this guy will see us and leave."

"You don't know Steve." Scott whispered.

Derek rolled his eyes and tugged Stiles over to him. He still had a couple of inches of height on Stiles and was able to easily position Stiles between the table and Derek's chest. While it doesn't sit well with Derek, having his back to the crowd, Malia was watching behind him and Scott and Theo had taken up spots at the table where they could watch as well. Stiles was facing Derek and Derek smirked at him. Derek (and everybody else except for Lydia) heard his heart stutter as Derek leaned in closer.

"What's he look like?" Derek murmured in Stiles' ear.

"Little taller than you, blonde. Brown eyes."

That didn't really narrow it down much.

Derek caught Theo's eye. "What's he wearing?"

"Dark jeans. Boots. Blue button up, sleeves rolled up. He's got a tattoo on his forearm of a clock." Theo said.

"A clock?" Derek said.

"Time waits for no man." Scott, Theo, and Stiles said at the same time.

Derek looked at Malia and Lydia. Lydia seemed to momentarily sober up at the thought of such a shitty tattoo and managed to look horrified at Stiles.

"I think we need to put a vetting process in place for anyone Stiles might want to date in the future." Derek said.

"Seconded." Scott said.

"Motion approved." Lydia replied.

"It is law." Malia said and slapped an open palm on the table.

Over Scott's shoulder, Derek thought he saw someone who matched the description Stiles and Theo provided and Stiles turned to see where Derek was staring. He gripped Derek's wrist. "That's him." He muttered.

Derek pulled Stiles' hand from his wrist and laced their fingers together. "Relax." Derek muttered and Scott stared at the two of them with wide eyes, like he knew there was a monster at his back but if he didn't look, maybe it would go away. "Who's going to hurt you with all of us here?" He asked and nudged Stiles' jaw with his nose.

"I mean-" Stiles squeaked. "Nobody? Probably?"

"Exactly. Nobody. The only reason that this guy got away with behavior like that is because the three of you morons moved two hours away to go to college." Derek said and grazed his lips across Stiles' ear. "And didn't tell me. I could have gone down there, you know."

"Well, unlike the Hales, we all weren't born filthy rich-" Stiles said.

"Hear, hear!" Scott said and raised his beer. Lydia cheersed him.

"And unlike a certain someone else, we all weren't born beautiful and brilliant and able to make MIT bend to our will and let us do grad research in Beacon Hills." Stiles finished and glared at Lydia.

"Oh, sure you could," Derek said and grinned at Malia. She laughed, like he had said something funny. They were playing up their cool card, one of the perks of being supernatural and Lydia insisting on dressing all of them. Steve turned and looked at them but Derek turned Stiles' face away at the last second. Doubt clouded Steve's face and he stared for a second longer until Derek stared back and then the other guy turned away. Not to just one guy, but two other guys, crowded around him. "You could come home and learn all that stuff here with us." Derek reasoned.

Stiles let out a long breath and shivered.

"You ok? Do I need to back off?" Derek asked.

"Nope. No. This is. This _is_. Yep. Good. All good here." Stiles said.

Derek leaned in and let his eyes drift closed and traced his lips along Stiles' neck. "Is he watching?" Derek asked. Theo and Malia seemed to be deep in conversation and Lydia was attempting to drag Scott out on the dance floor. He was trying to resist, looking to Derek for help. Derek jerked his head at the dance floor, giving Scott permission to go. He was fairly certain he could handle three drunk dude-bros.

"Who? What?" Stiles asked.

"Steve. Your ex."

"Oh." Stiles said and Derek saw him blink his eyes open. "I don't know? I don't see him."

"Oh, he's watching alright." Theo said and smiled at Malia who smiled right back. He seemed to be enjoying this game. "He doesn't look happy with this development."

Derek straightened up as the waitress passed by once again. She had a tray full of open beer bottles and those little shot glasses that looked like science vials. She was a nice girl. Her name was Sarah, she had informed Derek during one of her stop offs to check on them, and her little sister was in Girl Scout's and was selling cookies the next day at the local supermarket. Malia and Derek made plans to go the next day.

Supernatural or human, Girl Scout cookies transcended the line of taste for all.

"Oh, can I get one of the apple ones?" Stiles asked and reached for one of the green vials.

They each got one and as the girl made to leave, someone fell into her and pushed her into their table. If it weren't for Theo and Derek's reflexes, all the drinks on her tray would have spilled and it would have come out of her paycheck. But Derek caught Sarah around the waist before she could crash into the table and Theo caught the drinks.

"You ok?" Scott asked from the other side of the table.

Sarah nodded and pushed her hair out of her face. "All part of the job, right?" She gave him a small smile and they all turned.

To precisely no one's surprise, Steve stood there with his two buddies.

"I'm so sorry, miss." Steve said in a gentle tone that made Derek want to strangle him on sight. He gave her a look that no one believed and Malia shifted behind Derek. Her patience was even less than Derek's, so he could only imagine how she was feeling. "I hope we didn't spill anything."

"No, I'm fine." She said and brushed herself off. She went to leave, but Derek stopped her and handed her a fifty.

"For your trouble." He explained.

"Thanks." She murmured and slipped away.

"Stiles," Steve said and grinned, "Fancy seeing you here."

"Go away." Stiles snarled. Derek wondered if Stiles even knew all the wolf mannerisms he had picked up.

"Oh, come on. Let's let the past be the past. Your friends here told me you're dating someone new and that's," Steve's eyes flickered over to Derek and Derek was reminded, oddly enough, of Kate. "...that's great." He finally finished.

The guy was purposely ignoring Derek, which was fine. It might come to a show of force, it might not.

Derek leaned in and pressed his mouth to Stiles' ear, "Look down." He whispered. When he felt Stiles do it, he said, "Ok, now smirk and nod your head." Stiles did. "Laugh." He finished and Stiles did. Derek leaned away, only enough to let Stiles have the bare minimum of space.

Derek looked over to the others, but instead of registering them in his field of vision, he let his eyes go distant, like these guys in front of him were so meaningless, they were invisible to him.

He had learned a thing or two from Lydia.

Steve took a step forward, bringing him and his friends closer to Derek and his pack and something switched in Derek. He took two steps closer to Steve and he didn't say anything but Steve was close enough to feel something in Derek was different. A little off.

"So you're the new guy, huh?" Steve said, going for fake bravery. "Lucky you. That tight little-"

Derek raised a hand and wrapped it around Steve's throat. He applied very little pressure, but enough to get Steve to stop talking. "I'm going to stop you right there." Derek said softly and drew Steve close, so that they were chest to chest. This time, he spoke in Steve's ear. "I want to be very clear. I'm not the _new_ guy. I'm the _only_ guy. You, my friend, were a place holder. Something to keep him busy until I was free." He let Steve go and stepped back. "I'm going to go to the bathroom. By the time I get back you'll be gone. Not just from our table, but from this place. Do I make myself clear?" Derek asked.

Steve stared at him and Derek could smell the fear on him but this guy didn't seem to know when to quit. Which, when Derek thought about it, made sense. "You can't just tell me and my friends-"

"See, but I can," Derek said. "I own this place. The bouncers are personal friends of mine. The bartenders are well paid. The waitresses love me and my friends. So when I said you're going to leave-" Derek waved a hand and like it was magic, Boyd appeared out of nowhere. Isaac was right behind him and Erica grinned at the third guy.

"You're going to leave." Derek finished.

The others pushed Steve and his friends out of the door.

"Maybe Boyd's night will take a turn for the better?" Malia guessed. "You know how much he likes to punch people."

They all laughed and Derek caught the look on Stiles' face. "You ok?" He asked Stiles and squeezed his shoulder.

Stiles nodded but he didn't look away until the others had pushed Steve and his friends out. Then he met Derek's eyes and nodded, "Yeah. I'm good. Go pee." He said and pushed him away.

When Derek looked at Scott, Scott only shrugged and Derek went.

He was washing his hands when Isaac burst in, wild eyed.

"Der!" He shouted.

"Right here." Derek said. "No need to shout."

"They- your car- come _on_." Isaac said and turned.

Isaac took him out the back way but by the time they got there, the damage was done.

The Camaro's windows were busted out and there were several dents and some scratches down the side.

Scott, Theo, and Erica each had one down on the ground, hands twisted behind their backs painfully.

Amazingly enough, Steve was grinning. "Too bad you don't have any cameras in your parking lot, Hale." He said. "Otherwise this would be a pretty easy thing to report to Stiles' daddy, huh?"

Derek walked over to him and hunkered down. He looked at his car and then up at Scott who was already growling. Then he stood up and went to the car, swept the glass away from his trunk and opened it. He unzipped a bag and dug in it. When he crouched down next to Steve again, he had zip ties in his hands.

"You're going to be the one wishing for cameras, my friend." Derek said and handed Erica, Scott, and Theo zip ties.

***

Derek took the corners fast, deliberately braking hard at stop signs and lights. Stiles was holding on for dear life and Malia was in the backseat, laughing her fool head off.

"Derek, I'm sorry, I didn't know he would-"

"Hey, no." Derek said and patted Stiles' thigh and took a corner way too fast. There were some suspicious thumps in the back. "First off, this guy isn't the first person to try and defile my vehicle. Second, it's not your fault."

"But I still feel the need to apologize." Stiles insisted.

Derek slammed on the brakes at a stop sign. Behind him, he saw Erica driving equally recklessly in Isaac's SUV.

"Will you feel better?" Derek asked.

"Maybe." Stiles hedged.

"Proceed."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know he was this crazy and if I had known it would come to this, I mean your _car_ , who does that? Then I wouldn't have ever gone out with him. I'll pay for everything." Stiles said.

"Apology accepted, no money needed, case closed." Derek said.

Stiles looked miserable.

"Hey, come on, this is going to be fun. No faces." Derek said and poked Stiles' face. Stiles snapped his teeth at him. "Rude." Derek muttered and then turned to the road. The turn off to this part of the Preserve was sometimes hard to find. "There it is." He said and they turned down a road. Derek went faster than necessary, jostling everyone in the car, and throwing Steve around in the back. Derek silently promised a check on the suspension when they were done.

The clearing came up fairly quickly and Derek parked and Erica followed him and Boyd after her. Boyd handed Derek the rope and they got to work quickly.

When they were done, Isaac pulled Steve out of the trunk of the Camaro, and Theo and Scott, who had been riding with Erica and Boyd, respectively, pulled the other two out.

They tied the three up to the rope that hung from the trees, upside down, so that they were still level with Derek's face.

"Lydia, can I get some light here?" Derek asked.

"Sure." She said and snapped her fingers. In the middle of the clearing, a fire roared to life.

Steve, in front of Derek, twitched when he saw it. "Hey, man, we were just playing around, I'm sorry-" He started.

Derek nodded and patted his cheek. "Sure you are." He said. His claws came out and he showed them to Steve. “I like playing too.”

Steve screamed.

Derek popped the buttons on his shirt and then tore it off of him. He tore the guy's pants off so that he was only in his boxers, socks, and shoes.

"So here's the interesting thing about the woods. There's all sorts of things out here that you couldn't even imagine. There are people like us-" Derek said and gesture to Erica who's fangs were out and was laughing, "And there's regular animals and insects that live out here. You learned about them in school."

" _Lions and tigers and bears, oh my."_ Theo whispered from behind Steve. Steve jerked. Scott laughed.

"I can't exactly be sure, but there aren't any tigers out here. Mountain lions, oh yeah. Bears, yep." Derek said and grinned. "And you're scared. Terrified, even, aren't you?"

Steve nodded. "Just let us go, please, we won't say anything."

"Of course you won't." Stiles said and Derek stepped back and Stiles stepped forward. "Because my dad is the Sheriff. You think this is the first time we've done this?"

It was.

"So, because I don't want too much of a mess on my hands, I'll keep these guys away." Derek said and the others stepped away from the three that were hanging upside down. They gathered around their vehicles. "But I can't control the whole forest. Just not within my power, I'm afraid." He said and shrugged.

"And animals, they smell fear." Erica said.

"It attracts them." Lydia said. "So the higher the flames," She said and snapped her fingers again and the fire _roared_ , "The more you sweat. The more you sweat, the more you smell."

"The more you smell, the more animals come sniffing around." Isaac said casually.

"And the insects. The ants from the tree. The mosquitoes. All of it. It'll all come calling. The forest isn't going to leave you alone." Stiles said and took a step forward. "It's right here, all around you, just waiting. Just waiting and waiting. And it'll take what it wants."

"Come on, guys. I want pancakes." Derek said.

And they left.

***

_Stiles: 4:18 AM_

_How long were those ropes supposed to hold?_

**Derek: 4:20 AM**

**Just for an hour or so. They should be back on the road by now.**

_Stiles: 4:24 AM_

_Thank you._

**Derek: 4:25 AM**

**No need to thank me. As long as you're safe and happy, I'm glad to help out.**

*******

"Hey, Malia and I are headed over to the supermarket. Do you need anything?" Derek asked. "Need me to swing by?"

"No, Erica's here." Lydia said over the phone and yawned. "I let her have my credit card and the Chinese take out menu and she said she'd fix my hangover. Go get your cookies."

"Call me if you need anything." Derek said.

As soon as Derek got in the FJ Cruiser (which he secretly hated but the Camaro was already in the shop and he didn't have any other choice) his phone rang.

"Hello?" Derek said.

"Hale." John said.

"Sir?" Derek said.

"Where were you between the hours of 11PM and 3AM last night?" John asked.

"Uh, from ten thirty until 12 we were at the Oar House on twelfth and Jefferson and then from a little after twelve until three thirty, we were at Bad Moon." Derek said.

"Who was with you?" John asked.

"Boyd, Erica, and Isaac were working the doors. Stiles, Scott, Theo, Lydia, and Malia were with me, hanging out." Derek said.

"Do you have tape of the club time?" John asked.

"Not personally in my possession, but Boyd does. He's at the club right now doing paperwork." Derek said. Isaac had already doctored the tapes.

"Let him know I'll be by for those tapes." John said and Derek heard a door close. "Derek, what the fuck?" He hissed in a more comfortable tone. "You cannot just string up college kids and leave them in the woods!"

"That's the guy that was stalking Stiles at the college." Derek said and Malia got in the passenger side. She was breathing hard, like she had just run all the way from her house.

"There was a guy stalking Stiles- What in the ever loving, blue fuck is going on?" John asked. "Do I have to kill him?"

"No, I don't think so." Derek said thoughtfully.

"Would you tell me if I needed to?"

Derek scoffed. "Of course I would."

***

Five hours later, Derek was sprawled out on his bed, which he had dragged over in front of the TV after he had pushed the couch out of the way, in gray sweatpants and his precious cookies. He was on his third joint and he was giggling because he just realized that his toenails were painted glittery pink and couldn't remember who had done it.

"Some alpha you are." He mocked himself out loud, in his best imitation of the Sheriff's voice, and laughed all over again. Teen Titans was playing on the TV and the fact that he was high, watching cartoons, eating Girl Scout cookies, with glittery pink toenail polish on his toes, struck him all at once and he was _screaming_ , crying with laughter, holding his stomach, waving his hand at the TV and begging it not to look at him.

He heard the door open to the loft and sat up, immediately alert.

Stiles stood in the doorway and stared at him.

Derek stared back, back ramrod straight, mouth a tight, flat line.

"How high are you?" Stiles asked.

"Yes." Derek answered seriously.

"Ok." Stiles said and nodded. He reached down, untied his shoes, and slipped them off. Derek watched him closely as Stiles went over to Derek's dresser, pulled some sweatpants out of the dresser, and went to the bathroom to change. When he came back out, he was in the other gray sweatpants, mismatched socks, and his Rocket Raccoon shirt.

When Stiles attempted to climb on the bed, he had to sweep off crumbs and boxes before he could find a spot. When he finally had a spot cleared for himself, he settled in, Derek handed him a joint and fell back against the mountain of pillows.

"Is your dad mad at me?" Derek asked.

"Not after the whole story came to light." Stiles said and waved the joint around.

"Oh, good. I like your dad. Your dad is good." Derek paused. "Good is your father." He said confidently and then nudged Stiles. "Do it. Do the voice. Say it."

Stiles took another hit and nodded. He passed it back to Derek. "Good my father is." Stiles said in a perfect imitation of Yoda's voice.

It started Derek laughing all over again and then he saw his toes and he lost his mind. He fell off the bed.

"How many of these have you had?" Stiles asked and peered over the side of the bed. He took another long drag off the joint and waved it at Derek.

"Oh man. I think that's four." Derek said and crawled back on the bed with a box of Savannah Smiles clutched to his chest.

"How many of those have you had?" Stiles asked and nodded at the box of cookies Derek was delicately tearing open with this fangs.

"I want to say twelve." Derek said and nodded confidently.

"Cookies?"

"Boxes." Derek said and dug around under the bed. He handed a box of Thin Mints to Stiles. "I bought these for you." He said solemnly.

"I appreciate you more than you know." Stiles said.

"You think I'm gorgeous, you want to kiss me, you want to hug me!" Derek said and scrambled for the remote. "Let's watch that."

Stiles stared at him and the joint barely hung onto his lower lip. "Ok." He said.

Derek plucked it from his mouth and took the last of it. "Open." He instructed and leaned into Stiles' space and blew the sweet smoke into his mouth before settling back with his cookies and starting the movie.

Sandra Bullock was a blessing.

***

Four hours later found them surrounded by pizza boxes and the windows open to the night sky. Derek had pushed the bed back over to the windows and now they were staring out at the night sky.

Derek had a ukulele and Stiles was singing Over The Rainbow.

“You should have somebody. For this.” Stiles said and gestured between the two of them. His voice was scratchy from the smoke and the singing and the sugar from the boxes of cookies they had put away.

“Ah, ah-” Derek said and opened his mouth so that Stiles would give him a hit. As he blew out the smoke, he looked over at Stiles and grinned. “I do. I have you.”

“No, I mean a special someone. A someone that is like. You know. Special.” Stiles said.

“You are very meaningful to me, Stiles.” Derek said seriously and continued to strum.

Stiles jerked it from his hands. “You know what I mean!” He shouted and waved the ukulele around. “A boyfriend. A girlfriend! Someone who lasts longer than twelve hours.”

“I don’t even last longer than twelve hours and I’m the alpha.” Derek said and made a half-hearted attempt at a swipe for the ukulele. He missed and fell into a pile of blankets at the bottom of the bed. He bundled himself up in several and all Stiles could see was his messy hair peeking out from the top of the blankets and two pink glittery toes at the opposite end.

“Seriously. Can we talk about this?” Stiles said. He set the ukulele down on the table next to him and turned back to Derek. Or rather, the pile of blankets that was doing it’s best Derek impression.

“If you want.” The pile of blankets said. “Or I could rent Wonder Woman.”

A lesser man would have given into temptation but Stiles Stilinski was not a lesser man. “Talk. Then Wonder Woman.”

The pile of blankets did not reply.

“Why not Der? You’re great.”

“I am.” The pile said and nodded. “But I seem to be exclusively attracted to women who want to kill me and my loved ones. You can see how that is detrimental to my health and overall well being.”

“But you haven’t dated a guy.” Stiles pointed out. “Not seriously.”

“I’m worried that my attraction to homicidal maniacs isn’t exclusive to just one sex.” The pile mumbled. “And I’m a mess. Look at me.”

“I can’t. You are a pile of blankets. You look like an adorable Jabba the Hutt.” Stiles said.

“Do you think I’m adorable?” Derek asked and peeked one eye out.

Stiles rolled his eyes and took another long drag. “You can smell it on me. You know I do.”

“I can’t smell your thoughts.” Derek huffed, like he had told him this a thousand times. Maybe he had. “I can smell your general attraction, but not your actual feelings.”

“So you know I’m attracted to you.”

Derek shrugged. Or wiggled. It was hard to tell. “I’m pretty. You don’t have the most discerning tastes.”

“I discern!” Stiles protested weakly.

Derek laughed and burrowed back into his blanket hidey-hole. “You discern the willing!” Derek informed him.

Stiles poked the pile of blankets with his big toe. There was a growl. Stiles poked again. There was another growl and then Derek’s eyes appeared, red and glowing, from somewhere deep within the blankets.

“I’ll huff,” Stiles said and took a drag, “And I’ll puff,” And took another drag, “And I’ll blow your house down.” He said and exhaled into the pile of blankets.

“Pretty sure that’s my line.”

“Do you think I’m pretty?”

“I think you’re beautiful.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re my alpha.”

“I would never tell Scott he’s beautiful.”

“…point vividly illustrated, alpha mine.”

There was another growl but this one felt less menacing and more promising. Derek crawled out of the pile of blankets and stalked-crawled over to Stiles and pushed him down. “Don’t say that.” He muttered.

“What?” Stiles smile widened. “Alpha? Alpha mine?”

“You aren’t a one night stand. You can’t be.” Derek said and licked his lips. Stiles didn’t think he would like feeling like an actual piece of meat, but he was kind of feeling it with Derek above him.

“Ok.” Stiles said.

“Ok.” Derek nodded and bent down. He caught Stiles’ bottom lip in his teeth and sucked. He slid his hands up to cradle Stiles’ face and kissed him deeply. “Can I get you naked?” He asked.

Stiles’ face screwed up in a thoughtful expression. “Do you always ask?”

“Enthusiastic consent.” Derek said and licked Stiles’ neck.

“Consent for the nakey given.” Stiles said.

“Yessss.” Derek said and jerked Stiles’ clothes off of him. With every inch naked in front of him, Derek began to kiss every part that he could get to. Derek sucked a hickey into one of Stiles’ hips and sat back to survey his work.

“Do a matching one.” Stiles said and tapped his other hip.

“Ok.” Derek said and obliged Stiles. He avoided Stiles’ cock and kissed down his thighs and his knees and even kissed his shins. When he got down to his feet, Stiles choked back a cry when Derek kissed the arch of his foot and then sucked on his big toe.

“What?” Derek asked, pulling off with an obscene pop.

“No one has ever done that and I think it’s just an over stimulation response. I think.”

“I thought I might get kicked.” Derek said.

“It was a close call.” Stiles said. “Can you strip for me?”

“Tell me I’m pretty first.” Derek demanded.

“You are more than just pretty. Pretty sees you and wishes it could _be_ you. You’re the sun rising over a misty field in the French countryside. You are the night sky a hundred miles away from the nearest city. You devastate me.”

Derek took off his shirt.

“You put all that to shame.” Stiles said and sat up. He knew he should be paying attention to his raging hard on, but suddenly he had to touch Derek. Everywhere.

So he did.

He pushed Derek back down on the pile of blankets from earlier and kissed him slowly, leaning down and making sure he touched Derek as much as possible.

“Ah.” Derek sighed.

He kissed his collarbone and licked over his nipples and Derek laughed and squirmed when Stiles kissed his ribs. He continued on down, but unlike Derek, he had no patience and he licked at the head of his dick and Derek made that soft sound again, like he was sighing and laughing and falling all at once. Stiles laved attention on Derek’s dick and decided that of all the people he had slept with, Derek was his favorite.

Derek was his favorite.

Stiles pulled off and bit the thick muscle on the inside of Derek’s thigh.

“Hey.” Derek mumbled.

“I want to ride you.” Stiles declared.

“I think I can accommodate that.” Derek said. “On one condition.”

Stiles leaned forward and mouthed at Derek’s balls but kept his eyes on Derek.

“I’m trying to make this a conditional offer and you are not paying the least bit of attention.” Derek admonished him.

“Should I say sorry?” Stiles asked when he pulled away for a moment.

“I don’t know.” Derek said and continued to watch him for a moment before Stiles finally pulled away.

“Ok. What’s the offer?” He said.

“I want to eat you out first.” Derek said.

Stiles sighed. “If you insist.”

Derek’s hands tightened on Stiles’ shoulders. “I don’t have to.”

“I was being sarcastic,” Stiles sighed, “Enthusiastic consent is given. Happily. Eagerly.”

That now familiar smile crept up on Derek’s face. “Yeah?”

“Hell yeah. Get up on this. I haven’t been doing squats for a year and a half for you not to appreciate this ass.” Stiles said.

Derek rolled Stiles over so that he was on his belly and Stiles had the brief thought of spending the rest of his life like this; wrapped up in blankets, underneath the stars, high, eating junk food and having slow sex with Derek.

“Yes, we can do that.” Derek murmured in his ear. “Pizza, hamburgers, laid out in my bed. I’ll find someone to deliver weed. You’ll never have to get dressed again.”

“You are going to ruin me, Derek Hale.” Stiles murmured when he felt Derek’s lips press against the triskele tattooed between his shoulder blades. All the pack members had it. Scott had held Stiles while Stiles cried after Derek asked him if he wanted to get one too.

Derek’s bed was a cloud and his sheets were a dream. Derek himself was warm and languid and spent time mapping out the muscles on Stiles’ back as he slid downward. When he finally reached Stiles’ ass, he lifted his hips up and slid a pillow underneath him.

Stiles felt like he was a present, just missing a bow.

When he shared that thought with Derek, Derek pulled away from the small kisses he was planting on Stiles’ ass cheeks. “I think I have a bow around here from Christmas.”

“Next time leave it out and you can walk in here and find me like that.”

“Noted.” Derek murmured and went back to Stiles’ ass.

Derek spread his cheeks and Stiles jerked a little bit with the first broad lick (there was nothing tentative about Derek after all) and Derek pulled away for a second.

“Come back!” Stiles wailed. “I’ll be good.”

Derek was back a second later and laid himself across Stiles’ back once more. In one hand he had a lighter and in the other he had another joint.

“For me?” Stiles gasped.

“All yours.” Derek said and kissed him on the shoulder.

“Will you marry me?” Stiles asked when he took both items.

“Yes. After sex though.”

“I like the way you think.” Stiles said and lit up.

There were, frankly, too many things happening to Stiles at once. The sweet smoke was making him dizzy and Derek’s hands were warm on his hips. Derek’s tongue lapped at Stiles’ hole like he was the sweetest candy ever made. It felt like maybe Derek was moaning too or maybe talking, Stiles couldn’t be sure. But there were vibrations and it made Stiles’ back arch and he groaned.

“Can I get you ready for me now?” Derek asked.

“Yes, but take this from me first.” He waved the joint at Derek, “I don’t want to burn down your bed. We have many more things to do in this bed. Positions. I need to make a list.”

Derek plucked it from his hand and then his warm weight was back. There was the cool, familiar feel of lube on his hole and Derek’s finger.

“Oh, you were born for this.” Stiles murmured and rolled his hips back. He was already loose and relaxed. “Give me another one.” He said.

Derek did as he was told.

That filled Stiles up better, but it wasn’t quite enough, not after a half dozen thrusts.

“Der, more.” He insisted.

There was more lube and Derek’s tongue back for just a moment and then three fingers and Stiles was sighing, rolling his hips even more eagerly and Derek groaned.

“Could you come like this?” Derek asked. “Just from my fingers?”

“Maybe.” Stiles admitted. “We could give it a try.”

“Not this time. Another time.” Derek said and crooked his fingers and Stiles saw the center of the universe. “Can I fuck you now?” He asked.

“Yes. Yes, _please_.” Stiles hissed. There was more lube and Stiles was going to be a fucked out, sloppy mess before the night was over.

Then Derek was right next to him and he was adjusting himself between Stiles’ legs. He raised one of Stiles’ legs up and then he was sliding into Stiles, inch by inch, and Stiles was groaning. Then he could feel Derek’s thighs braced up against his and he groaned again. He wasn’t usually a fan of this position, more often preferring to be face to face to see his partner’s reactions. He felt that this was less intimate but, as with everything, with Derek it was different.

“You’re so warm and _wet_.” Derek murmured and kissed Stiles’ temple. “I can feel you everywhere. I can feel you in my heartbeat.” He rolled his hips again and Stiles moaned. He spread his legs wider.

Stiles reached for Derek’s hands and laced their fingers together and brought them under Stiles’ chest, so that Stiles bore most of the weight but every part of him was covered by Derek. “It’s so good. It’s so hot and-” Stiles moaned.

“And what?” Derek encouraged.

“You fill me up. God, you’re perfect.” Stiles said and met Derek’s next thrust. “I want to be like this, forever. Can we have this, forever?”

“Yes, yes.” Derek groaned and whimpered when Stiles ground back into him.

“Can I ride you now?” Stiles whispered.

“Ok.” Derek said and pulled out. As soon as he was settled, Stiles swung one leg over him and grasped Derek’s cock in one hand and guided him as Stiles slowly slid down. When he bottomed out, they both groaned.

“I don’t care if I die, this is heaven.” Stiles murmured and rolled his hips.

Derek’s cock was thick, thicker than most Stiles had taken. Normally he would have been hesitant, but he discovered he loved the feel of it, buried deep inside of him.

“God, you look so good.” Derek murmured and his hands were on Stiles’ hips again, urging him on. “You feel so good.”

Stiles shifted and they both groaned. “Oh, that’s it. Right there.” Stiles groaned.

“Yeah?” Derek said and thrust up, hard.

“Fuuuuck.” Stiles whispered. “Yeah. Yeah, come on, Derek. Come on, fuck me.”

Then Derek was seizing him and pulling Stiles down closer to him. He gripped Stiles hips and held him still and fucked up into Stiles and Stiles kissed him, brutally hard. “Feels good, Der. You feel good, right there. I want it, come on. Give it to me, alpha.”

Derek’s eyes snapped open when Stiles said that and Stiles got a glimpse of his teeth.

“Yeah, come on.” Stiles said. “I want it.” Stiles had his palms on Derek’s chest and felt him growl. “I want you to come inside me. Please. Consent, _oh god,_ given.”

Then Stiles was on his back and Derek was pulling his legs around his waist and Stiles arched his back and gasping as he came without a hand on his cock.

“Oh god, oh fuck, you’re amazing, Stiles, your ass, fuck- I want-” Derek groaned.

“Yeah, yeah, come on.” Stiles said and encouraged Derek with his hands on his ass. “Come on, I want you to.”

And then Derek was coming and panting and clawing at the sheets with thankfully human hands because he really liked these sheets too and he doubted Cora would send him more when she found out how he had ruined these.

“I think I fucked my brains out through my dick.” Derek murmured.

“Yeah, me too.” Stiles said.

“Am I blind?”

“It’s night.”

“Right.”

Derek rolled off of Stiles and they both stared out the open window.

“I want, more than anything,” Stiles began and Derek turned to face him, “A giant cheesecake.”

Derek groaned. “Sounds so good.” He murmured. Then he grinned.

“You thought I was going to say something profound and sweet and declare my everlasting love for you, didn’t you?” Stiles asked.

Derek nodded. “And then I was going to have to think of something equally profound and caring and fuck. I can’t think right now. I’m still pretty high and whatever we just did-” He waved his hand at the sky. “Changed the fucking universe.”

“My ass changed the universe.” Stiles said.

“Goddamn right it did.” Derek said. “Want to go get a cheesecake?”

“Fuck _yes_ I want to go get a cheesecake. And then I want to come back here and eat it in your bed.”

“I like the way your brain works, Stilinski.”

**Author's Note:**

> So I know I'm fairly consistent with the giant long fics that have kind of become a trademark, but I have decided to turn my longest fic into an original work and like. It's eating me alive. Any support is welcome and I apologize that I won't be turning out content like I used to. Questions, comments, and concerns can be sent to mangagement at thank-fuck-the-camaro-is-back.tumblr.com ;)


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